Mary Sue Chaos at Hogwarts
by Jeanne1
Summary: Parody. A plain inconsequential OFC comes to terms with her new role and identity as a Mary Sue. Random chaos with HP XMen LOTR & POTC. The Weasleys and Draco go clubbing and Harry asks Mary Sue on a date.
1. The Prophecy

A/N: This story is my response to critics who have labelled my OFC a Mary Sue, despite her being plain, unpopular and ignored by any eligible male canon. I have taken it upon myself to show people what a Mary Sue *really* is.  
  
It is a parody mocking Mary Sue authors, Mary Sue characters, my own character (Martha Page) and myself as an author, set in the Harry Potter, LOTR, X Men and POTC "verses". Expect canon characters to behave very Out Of Character, and watch out for modern technology making inappropriate appearances.  
  
Although I am English, Americanisms will be included. Otherwise, no one will understand what I'm writing.  
  
Note: We don't get to Hogwarts until Chapter 2, so I forgive you for only skim-reading :)  
  
******************************************************  
  
Chapter 1 - The Prophecy. (Don't most Mary Sue stories start off with one of these?)  
  
The time was sometime in the Near Future, and the place was somewhere in the United States of America.. The mutant terrorist known as "Magneto" and his protégé - for want of a better word - were on a settee. Just sitting there. Although one of them may have been reading a book. Or eating. Martha Page, occasionally known as "Magneta", was ensconced on Magneto's knee. Trying to resist the temptation to suck her thumb.  
  
Martha Page was plain, unremarkable. Average stature, forgettable looks, conservative dress sense. As for her eyes, no one knew what colour they were, because the Author neglected to mention this. The only feature of note was her mutation, which gave her the power to manipulate magnetic fields and caused large quantities of metal to be contained in her hair. The latter resulted in her locks being "coarse, wiry and unmanageable". When the metal was harvested, her hair became "shiny and soft", but Martha was denied this transformation into a Beauty Queen, because as Magneto stated in an earlier fanfic, the iron would always grow back. The first extraction resulted in the iron forming into a rather amusing living metal snake. But Martha forgot to feed it and it died.  
  
The only other factor distinguishing Martha page from equally boring girls with equally boring names was her codename "Magneta". This name was assigned to her because Martha couldn't think of one for herself, so Magneto had to do it for her. In fact, she was so inept that Magneto had to do pretty much everything for her, save wipe her bottom.  
  
After a silence sufficiently long enough for even the slowest of readers to get through the previous paragraphs, Magneto spoke.  
  
"There is something special about you Martha. According to a Prophecy, you are going to save the Universe."  
  
"What does the Prophecy say?"  
  
"I can't remember. Something about you being somebody else, the end of the world and you saving everyone. But I deleted the email and now I've forgotten it."  
  
"Or rather the Author couldn't be bothered to think up a Prophecy, due to the obligatory archaic language and rhyming couplets necessary for the standard Fanfic Prophecy, so she had you conveniently forget." Martha muttered.  
  
"Something like that. Anyway, I have just this second realised that danger is immanent and I have to take you to a place called Middle Earth where my brother Gandalf lives. There you will learn about your new identity and fight the forces of evil. But first I've got to phone my brother and arrange a time to meet. Now where is my cell phone.?"  
  
Martha reluctantly slid off his knee as Magneto hunted for his mobile phone. He eventually found it under a cushion.  
  
Ten seconds later he used his magnetic powers to hurl the thing across the room.  
  
"Oh why doesn't my brother get himself a cell phone! No matter, he'll be in at 7 - he never misses the 'Baywatch' re-runs on Cable. Still, it annoys me that They won't give Gandalf a cell phone, just because he's Old, and Old People don't have cell phones."  
  
"But you're Old, and you've got one." Martha pointed out.  
  
"That's because I'm a Villain," Magneto answered. "And I need portable telephones to conduct my Villainous activities. And, if you call me 'Old' again, I'll spank your bottom."  
  
*Hundreds of fanfic readers suddenly work out why Martha stays with Magneto*  
  
"Shut up you Old Git." Martha said hopefully, but Magneto wasn't listening.  
  
A few moments later, during which Pyro had come in wanting something and had been sent away with a flea in his ear, Martha said:  
  
"Magneto, are you going to ask professor X about this?"  
  
"No." Magneto said irritably. "I broke friends with him."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because he beat you at chess."  
  
"But Magneto, *you* beat me at chess. You *always* beat me at chess."  
  
"Whatever. I still hate the S** of a B****."  
  
"Magneto."  
  
"What now?"  
  
"Why all the asterisks?"  
  
"Because Sir Ian McKellen *never* swears. Also, he *never* utters crude American insults."  
  
"So what does he say when he's P****d?"  
  
"Uh, I dunno, he'd probably say "Balderdash" or words to that effect."  
  
"Magneto -"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"What does "balderdash" mean?"  
  
"Haven't a clue. Try asking the Author, she's English, she ought to know."  
  
"Magneto."  
  
"AAAAARRRRGH!!!"  
  
"If I continue getting on your nerves will you spank my bottom?"  
  
"GO. AWAY."  
  
*********************************************  
  
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! I WILL *DIE* IF YOU DON'T!!!! PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!!!!! IF YOU REVIEW I WILL LET YOU PLAY WITH LEGOLAS AND IF YOU DON'T BAD LUCK WILL FOLLOW YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND ALL YOUR FAMILY WILL DIE!!!  
  
No. My real name is not 'Martha Page'. 


	2. Arrival by Interdimensional Portal

A/N: *sobs* No reviews from the Harry Potter forum! However there is much Potterage in this chapter, so enjoy!  
  
*********************************************  
  
Chapter 2 - Arrival by Interdimensional Portal (another common Sue device, used for cross-over stories)  
  
The next day Martha arrived in Middle earth along with Magneto and what remained of the Brotherhood. (Mystique had gone because Martha didn't like her; Sabretooth too had been sacked as Martha found him 'scary'; Toad remained 'on sufferance' - he could stay as long as he didn't stick his tongue out; and Pyro was kept on to keep Martha company when Magneto went shopping)  
  
The two brothers embraced like long-lost - er - brothers:  
  
"Gandalf, my dear Brother, it's so good to see you!"  
  
"Magneto! You look more like Ian McKellen every day!"  
  
It was a while before Gandalf and Magneto got round to the subject of the Prophecy, and Martha was getting bored because no one was paying her any attention. Luckily Gandalf remembered a bit more about it.  
  
"Basically," Gandalf was saying "You have been living under a false identity since your creation until we were emailed this Prophecy from the controllers of the Fanfiction Matrix over at LiveJournal.com, revealing your true name and purpose. Your role is to save the X Men, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and Pirates of the Caribbean universes, defeat all the villains and convert them to the good side; and make all the male characters fall madly in love with you. To aid you in your quest, you now possess outstanding psychic abilities, you can create fire and ice and you can also handle large sea craft. You are a pure-blood witch, of half Elven / half American High School Chick descent. Plus, you have the voice of a nightingale and your farts smell of freesias."  
  
Martha shot Magneto a look that clearly said: "Meep."  
  
"You are entitled to the choice of either pointy ears or a prehensile tail- "  
  
"The ears!"  
  
"And your name is no longer Martha Page. Your full title is Princess Mary Sue Undomiel-Celebrindel-Symblmyne, Lady of the Caribbean, heir to the throne of Gryffindor."  
  
"How am I supposed to remember all that?!" Martha squeaked. She looked sidelong at Magneto, "Does forgetting my name deserve punishment?"  
  
"Oh shut up dear, my hand is still sore from the last time."  
  
"But Magneto, I didn't mean to spill Gatorade on the expensive interior of your new helicopter."  
  
********************************************  
  
Meanwhile, the rest of the canon were arriving via interdimensional portal at platform 9 and ¾. The various assorted Land-loving Human Muggles failed to notice the large group of strangely dressed mutants, pirates and Hobbits that were congregating between platforms 9 and 10, even when a stunted fellow with an oversized beard and helmet began hacking at the barrier with an axe. For many, this was the first time they had met.  
  
The pirate known as Cap'n Jack Sparrow peered closely at the androgynous- looking Elf stood by him.  
  
"Aaargh, shiver me timbers, you look kinda familiar." (I'll leave you to work out for yourselves who said that.)  
  
"Why of course, I am the brother of your good friend Will," said the Elf.  
  
"Looks like Ol' Bootstrap Bill's been kinda busy. Argh."  
  
Cap'n Jack grabbed Will Turner by the scruff of his neck and whispered a few words into his shell-like. Will, his shirt unbuttoned against the chill September winds of England, dropped his sword with a clang and said thickly "I have a brother.? I have a BROTHER!"  
  
Suddenly the entire casts of POTC, X-Men, LOTR and Harry Potter were seized with an insane euphoria and spent the next 30 seconds dancing and cheering without really knowing why.  
  
************************************************  
  
The female members of the Potter cast were using the five hour train ride as their last chance to engage in some speed-shipping. Along with their Hogwarts letters there had been a warning note from Dumbledore informing them that upon their arrival at Hogwarts all shipping would be off for the foreseeable future. Therefore the commuting journey served as a free-for- all, involving students, teachers, house-elves and Filch's cat. Even the witch who pushed the sweet trolley got in on the action. The Draco- shipping was slightly delayed however, as all the Slytherins got done for travelling without a valid ticket.  
  
Harry Potter, on the run from a newly pubescent Ginny Weasley, stopped short when he spied Magneto reading J.R.R Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' upside down.  
  
"Are you the new professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts?" he enquired.  
  
Magneto just gave him The Look and carried on 'reading'. Harry then turned to the only other occupant in the carriage: the Wolverine.  
  
"And what are you the professor of?"  
  
"Art." Said Wolverine shortly, then took a large swig of beer and belched loudly to emphasise the point.  
  
The Boy Who Lived skipped off into the next compartment, blissfully ignorant of the fact that the only thing saving him from being skewered by six adamantium blades was that Magneto was forcibly holding them back under Wolverine's skin. Wolverine hated children, Wolverine hated trains, and Wolverine hated fanfics.  
  
Therefore his patience was sorely tested when seconds later Ginny Weasley streaked through the compartment in no more than her teen bra and panties, shrieking and giggling after her boy hero.  
  
Magneto leaned out and sealed both doors to the carriage shut. Reassured that there would be no more untimely interruptions, he reached down.  
  
"Martha my dear, you can come out now."  
  
************************************************  
  
Wolverine had a splitting headache. He should have known not to travel on trains with Magneto on board after the last experience, but the squealing was just ridiculous. It was agony on his ultra-sensitive ears. Martha emerged looking flushed but happy, rubbing her behind absently as if in some kind of mild pain. And Ron Weasley had broken his wand using it to try and force open the sealed entrance to Magneto's compartment.  
  
Sure enough there was Hagrid, standing in front of a rather impressive Hogwarts castle, which is never described because everybody's seen the films and already know what it looks like.  
  
"Right, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson and any other female Hogwarts student mentioned in the books, follow Professor Sprout to the study hall, where you will sit and study out of the way until the story is over. Arwen is there and will be happy to show you round as she has been so bored over the Summer holidays that she has taken up knitting jumpers for the Hobbits."  
  
"I hope they're better than the ones Mum knits," muttered Ron  
  
"The rest of you, follow me."  
  
*****************************************************  
  
Notes: "Gatorade". I don't know what it is, but it appears frequently in the worst X Men and Harry Potter fanfics.  
  
"I have a brother?" Anyone recognise this line? (Think Kevin Costner.)  
  
Oh and please review, otherwise it'll be detention with Mr Filch! 


	3. The Sorting Ceremony

A/N: OK. I feel I have to insert an explanation here, as one reviewer completely failed to realise that the A/N at the end of chapter 1 begging for reviews in capital letters was PART OF THE PARODY!!!!!! OMG. *shakes head*  
  
Still no reviews from the Potter forum 0_0! Looks like you're all in detention with Mr Filch! Proceed to the Forbidden Forest.  
  
Oh, and who worked out why Magneto was reading 'The Hobbit' upside down on the train? (Anyone seen 'Spaceballs'??)  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Chapter 3. the Sorting Ceremony. (Virtually every Harry Potter Sue-fic has a Sorting Ceremony, at which point the offending Sue is sorted into Slytherin, either to ensnare her beloved Draco, or to cause Gryffindor- loyalty V true-love-of-Sue tension in Harry. Heck - even my HP fic had one! However, I will spare you the pain of Dumbledore's speech and Sorting hat song.)  
  
Professor Albus Dumbledore bade everyone sit down on the nearest bench regardless of their affiliation, as it would take the entire fic to sort each non-HP character, and no-one could decide if Samwise Gamgee should be in Hufflepuff for loyalty or Gryffindor for bravery.  
  
Martha of course, being Mary-Sue, was ensconced at the top table, seated between Magneto and Gandalf. Gandalf was in the middle of his speech concerning the Prophecy, and Dumbledore was looking extremely put out.  
  
"How come you and Gandalf were informed of this and not I?" Dumbledore hissed.  
  
"Because you're not played by Sir Ian McKellen, and we are." Magneto shot back smugly.  
  
".The Prophecy was written by J.R.R Tolkien, Stan Lee, J.K. Rowling and some guy at the Disney Studios-"  
  
"Wasn't it Walt himself?" interrupted Martha, tugging on Magneto's sleeve.  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because he's dead." Magneto snapped. "My God, you really *are* thick, aren't you?"  
  
".A great danger will threaten mutant, wizard, Hobbit, Elf, Man and er - Pirate - kind-"  
  
"Hey! You missed out Dwarf-kind!" Legolas yelled from what used to be the Ravenclaw table. Everyone looked around the room. Dwarves? There were no Dwarves in Middle Earth. All eyes swivelled back to Gandalf.  
  
"But never fear - MARY-SUE is here!" Gandalf grabbed Martha's left arm and hauled her up.  
  
Draco Malfoy put his right and left index fingers into his mouth and a great 'WHIT WHOOOOO!" sound erupted in the Great Hall.  
  
"COR - LOOK AT THE LEGS ON THAT!" Pippin hollered.  
  
"I could eat her for second breakfast," Merry agreed.  
  
"Mary-Sue! Shake your cute little ass!" That was Pyro.  
  
"GET YOUR BITS OUT FOR THE LADS!" Bobby Drake, the Iceman, yelled.  
  
Magneto pulled Martha's other arm and yanked her back down. She promptly hid under his cloak. But by that time, the bawdy chant of "STRIP, STRIP, STRIP!" was echoing throughout the dining hall. It took the combined forces of Gandalf and Dumbledore to restore order.  
  
Dumbledore reached behind Gandalf and poked and prodded in the folds of Magneto's cloak before dragging Martha out by her hair.  
  
"And let the Sorting begin!...Where's the Hat?"  
  
Gandalf coughed.  
  
"So it was YOU!"  
  
"Well I needed it to cover my bald patch."  
  
Magneto banged his fist on the table. "IAN MCKELLEN IS NOT GOING BALD!"  
  
Dumbledore snatched the Sorting Hat off Gandalf's head and shoved it on Martha's. It went right over her head.  
  
"AAAAARRRR!!!" went Cap'n Jack suddenly, for no apparent reason.  
  
The Sorting Hat hummed and hoomed for a while before exclaiming "PHEE-EW! This girl's got a *dirty* mind!.... Ugh - that's DISGUSTING!... Gandalf, I never knew your brother was such a kinky old -"  
  
Dumbledore seized the Hat by its middle and squeezed hard. "*Get on with it.*" he said through gritted teeth.  
  
"uh - SLYTHERIN!"  
  
Everybody cheered, apart from Harry Potter, who had to be escorted to the boys' toilets in tears.  
  
"I wouldn't let that Magneto get his hands on my carrots!" Merry was saying.  
  
*Carrots?*  
  
At the mention of food, the Hobbits and the Weasley twins could no longer contain their impatience and began banging their knives and forks repeatedly on the table. Magneto soon relieved them of their cutlery, but the Hobbits switched to using their feet.  
  
**********************************************  
  
A/N: Gimli - testament to the sheer number of LOTR authors who conveniently omit this less-desirable-to-the-Sue character from their fics.  
  
Oh, and if you don't review, I'll make you walk the plank.  
  
*note to thickies in the readership* THAT LAST LINE WAS STILL PART OF THE PARODY! 


	4. Pink Fluffy Bunnies

Chapter 4 – Pink Fluffy Bunnies (a device somewhat overused in attempts to inject so-called humour into parodies by emasculating villainous characters)

Dumbledore banged his spoon on the side of his goblet and a hush fell over the Great Hall.

"I have just received a text message from the Ministry of Magic, informing me that the Immanent Danger is upon us.  Apparently Voldemort has become a mutant, he has stolen the One Ring and hijacked the Interceptor.  But we will worry about that after tea.  Let the Start-of-Fanfic Feast begin – WOOT!"

*Readers are advised to use this opportunity for toilet or snack breaks*

*The Feast has now ended.  If you are still in the bathroom – Tough.  We will have to start without you.* 

Professor Snape still had that excruciating migraine resulting from the stressful weekend spent looking after his brother's numerous teenage offspring.  The rate at which the Sheriff of Nottingham could breed baffled the Potions Master.  Issuing from sources ranging from Sherwood Forest peasant women to Maid Marion herself, the Sheriff's daughters had apparently worn out poor Will Scarlett with their insatiable demands, and had been sent on an enforced vacation chez "Uncle Severus".  He still hadn't recovered from that incident at the Middle Earth Zoo, where one of them let all the oliphaunts out…

*

In contrast to her colleague, Professor Minerva McGonagall was chewing her roast beef with the air of a character safe in the knowledge that all she would be required for was to announce the Hogwarts cheerleader tryouts.  The Elf-lord Elrond, who had been watching her out of the corner of his eye during the Feast, nudged her gently with his foot.

"Ms McGonagall, I can see that you have been savouring Hogwarts' famous roast beef, but I challenge you to sample the delights at my home in Rivendell.  I think you'll find the spread we lay on there is far superior."

McGonagall glared at him icily.  "I am inclined to disagree. Hogwarts' roast dinners are renowned in fanfiction lore.  Even the least detailed of fics record the appearance of platters of roast meat and vegetables in front of the Sue and her chosen lust object."

"At the House of Elrond," the aforementioned continued smoothly, "we feast on delicacies far beyond the limited imaginations of Harry Potter authors.  Where Hogwarts serve roast dinners day in day out, the Elves of Rivendell serve dishes such as Crebain of Dunland basted in Ent draught, Watcher in the Water tentacle on a bed of mallorn-leaf, orc-burger drizzled with miruvor, and –" he looked meaningfully at her "-my brother sends in regular shipments of _digitally programmed dessert from the Matrix…"_

McGonagall sniffed disdainfully, but the twitching of her nose and the strange light in her eyes belied her interest.

*

On Snape's other side, Lucius Malfoy was reading the financial pages of the Daily Prophet.  "According to Gringotts' Bank, the Dollar is up against the Euro."

"I'm not surprised," said Aragorn, who was reading the paper over his shoulder.  "Entering the Dollar was the best thing for Middle-earth and Wizarding America."

Lucius inclined his head. "Wizarding *Britain*."

"er- yes.  Anyway, it has certainly opened up trade between our dimensions.  Pipeweed can now be freely exported from Hobbiton to Hogsmeade.  It has done wonders for the Shire economy."

"I for one am certainly glad we gave up the outdated Galleons and Knuts system and joined with America.  Poor old England, still stuck with the Euro."

"AAAAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!"

The discussion on interdimensional politics was cut short by a piercing shriek coming from the top table.  Martha had leapt up onto Magneto's knee and her shaking finger pointed towards the body of  a dead man.  Boromir of Gondor lay on his back in the middle of the hall, his great Horn cloven in two.

After a pause of one beat, normal conversation resumed.

"Magneto, why is everybody taking no notice?  That poor men has just died!"

"Martha, will you please loosen your arms from about my neck, I am finding it quite hard to breathe."

"But but but but-"

"It is only Boromir, doing his Obligatory Death Scene.  The next day he comes back to life and the whole process begins again.  Even that Horn of his manages to resurrect itself."

"But what is that thing on his chest?"

Magneto twisted in his seat, and sure enough, there was a lurid and hirsute rabbit sat on Boromir's chest, holding a banana-shaped slice of Horn between it's front paws and nibbling it innocently.

"Why I do believe it is a –"

"PINK FLUFFY BUNNY!!"

"Nothin' teh be alarmed abou' Mr Malfoy," Rubeus Hagrid arose and a booming thud accompanied each footstep as he shambled towards the dead body and the offending rabbit. "Just someone trying teh write a "Humorous Parody", that's all, nothing teh be worryin' yeself about."

Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape's eyes bulged in horror as Hagrid stomped over and pulled the fluorescent furry rabbit up by its ears.  "I'll be feedin' this un to the Skrewts. And if there's any more to be found, they'll be eaten by Cap'n Barbossa's monkey.  So yeh can get out from under that table, Master Wormtongue, and get your friend Saruman down from the rafters while yer at it."

Lucius was the first to regain his composure.  He looked over to where Martha was wobbling precariously on her perch in Magneto's lap, and a malicious smirk spread slowly across his face.

"Severus, I'd like a private word with you…"

*

Magneto was in the middle of explaining to Martha the manifestation of Pink Fluffy Bunnies and their subsequent persecution of Slytherins and slaves to the One Ring, how this resulted from limited fanfic writers in their endeavour to cause widespread mirth amongst their readers, and the instructions from the Author to have these creatures serve as Blast Ended Skrewt fodder in an attempt to control the exploding Pink Fluffy Bunny population, when Snape and Malfoy sidled up.

"Mary Sue has been very naughty.  She will be in detention with myself and Mr Lucius Malfoy tonight."

Magneto leaned back in his chair and considered the two wizards with a level gaze.

Malfoy butted in "She will be getting a good spanking."

Magneto still regarded them calmly.  "I think not," he stated smoothly.

Lucius bent over until his face was inches from Magneto's.  "This chapter, we are still in the Harry Potter dimension.  Here, the Potter characters have the upper hand.  We have decreed that Mary Sue shall serve detention and have her bottom smacked."

Magneto acknowledged his defeat.   "OK," he sighed.  "But don't spank her so hard that she squeals.

That is my privilege only…" he added to their departing backs.

* 

As Martha trotted along beside Lucius and Snape she thought happily: _Maybe this whole Mary Sue thing isn't going to be so bad after all – this is gonna KICK MAJOR BUTT!_

Kick major butt??  _I thought my Author was a refined English lady…   _

*******************************************

I know what you're thinking – but don't worry, there's no way I would let Magneto lose to Snape and Malfoy!  He will get his revenge, and with a little bit of help from Draco… ;) 

If you are kind enough to review, I will commission the Hobbits to cook second breakfast for you all next week:) 


	5. On Board the Black Pearl

A/N: Eek!  No reviews?  Even for the Potter orientated episode I posted last?  This episode is a little lacking in Potter goodies I'm afraid, but the next one has many of our Hogwarts heroes.

***********************************************

Chapter Five – On Board the Black Pearl

Poor Mary-Sue Undomiel-Celebrindal-Simblemyne couldn't sit down.  Also, she had had absolutely no sleep that night.  For as soon as Snape and Lucius collapsed in a snoring heap after finally wearing themselves out, the Hobbits decided to hold an all night vigil outside her room, singing rowdy love songs accompanied by the bashing and clanging of cooking utensils.

That morning the Company were to set sail upon the Great Sea, and travel the first leg of their journey to Mordor on the Black Pearl.  Boarding the great ship, which was moored on Hogwarts lake, was for the most part uneventful.  The Hobbits nearly caused a stampede as they got too hungry and lost control of their senses, but a riot was averted when Pyro hastily barbequed them some sausages.  It also transpired that Wolverine was seasick.  Even before the ship began moving, he was hanging over the side looking miserable.

Barbossa was stood by the gangplank with a clipboard in his hand.

"All present and correct?" Gandalf enquired.

"YEAAAARRGH!"

"I'll take that as a yes, shall I?"

"No, wait!"  Legolas had run up, his hair in disarray.  "What about Gimli? Where's Gimli?"

"Who's Gimli?" asked Gandalf, confused.  "Hey Aragorn! Who's Gimli?"

"What's a Gimli?" Aragorn hollered back.

"Yeah, what's a Gimli?"  Legolas frowned.

Everyone just shook their heads and went off to unpack.  Elrond had bribed Cap'n jack with some digitally programmed rum to get the cabin next to McGonagall, and the location of Martha's cabin was kept top secret to avoid the total destruction of Jack's ship by optic eye blasts, fireballs and miss-directed spells as characters fought over who got one next door.  Naturally, Cap'n Jack had bagged one of these for himself.

*

Magneto, who was still being avoided by Martha after last night's shenanigans, spotted Gandalf across the deck, and made his way towards him.

"Brother, would you care to join me for a walk along the deck?" 

"I think not,"  came the sniffy reply "You have disgraced the McKellen clan and deeply traumatised my Hat."

Magneto lowered his voice an octave.  "I have a particularly juicy piece of gossip that I'm sure you will be interested to hear about."

"Well in that case…"

Magneto inclined his head towards the bow of the ship where Wolverine was draped over the rails peering miserably into the water.  The unfortunate mutant was not even aided by his healing powers, as the undulating waves just made him sick all over again.  "Apparently our resident Wolf here is filing a paternity suit for Mary-Sue.  _However,_ Lord Elrond also claims to be her father and is planning to fight Wolverine for custody."

"Ooh!"  Cried Gandalf.  "Perhaps I ought to confiscate Elrond's Elven ring of power.  Cap'n Jack's insured this ship to the hilt, and Sideshow Weta is liable for any damages caused by LOTR characters or props."

"Hmmm.  It's not really Elrond I'm worried about.  Poor Wolverine's so confused – he can't work out if he's in love with Mary-Sue, or if he's her biological parent."

"But surely that raises the possibility of –"

Magneto laughed.  "My dear Brother!  Do keep it clean – this is a PG-13."

"Indeed.  However, our Jeanne is not averse to scripting more 'adult orientated' material."

Magneto choked.  "WHAT?!"

"Word has it that she is the author of the sole R-rated fanfic in the Robin Hood section.  Fanfiction.net's best kept secret.  Apparently Marion's lady in waiting and the Sheriff do it all over Nottingham castle."

"Well for Goodness' sake don't tell Martha!"  Magneto hissed.  "She'll be on to the Author in no time and I'm really too old to have the energy for that sort of thing."

"I agree.  Best keep it quiet.  And not let ourselves be vehicles for the Author's shameless plugging of her own stories."

*

Unbeknownst of this revelation, our heroine was shambling out of her cabin looking thoroughly perplexed, when she came across something even stranger.  There was a young man wearing steel plated boots and a long trench coat striding about the deck whilst shuffling a pack of cards.  Yet he did not look quite real.  He looked sort of…cartoonish…

In one fluid movement he spun on his heel and caught Martha's hand in his own.  He bowed his head and kissed it.

"What's da matter Chere?  Aintcha ever seen a good looking guy before?"

Martha wrenched her hand out of his grasp.  "Ew.  Your skin feels like a cold wet fish."

"Aw come, on, don't be so hard on poor Remy."

"Who the _heck_ is 'Remy'?"

"How come you aint heard'a Gambit, if you in an X-Men fic?"

"Who's Gambit?"

"Remy!"

"I don't _care_ about this stupid Remy guy – I just want to know what's up with your face!"

"Oh.  That's because Remy still a drawing.  Remy aint in the movies, he just in the comics."

"So what are you doing in movie-verse fanfiction?"

"The ladies just can't resist Gambit.  He in _all_ the stories!  Only Remy aint got an actor yet, so Remy still a drawing."  He finished lamely.

"Are you unwell?"

"Heck no!  Remy just in LOVE!"

Martha squealed and ran away.

*

Gandalf saw Martha barrelling towards him and his brother, and quickly exited the scene.

"Magneto-"

"Oof!"

"I've just seen this really weird guy and he looks like a cartoon and he's got bad grammar and he keeps talking about someone called Gambit." She gasped, without pausing for breath.

"That's because he _is_ Gambit.  He talks about himself in the third person"

"Why?"

"Because he's stupid."

Martha grabbed Magneto's hand and started dragging him towards the stairs.  "Magneto – you've got to come to my room!"

"Oh no Martha," he protested,  "I'm still full of breakfast,"

"No, no, there's something strange in there..."

*

Martha reached under the bed and heaved out a huge trunk with the Slytherin insignia engraved on it.  She flipped it open.  "Magneto, what is all this?"

"Ah.  This is your Mary-Sue Kit.  There is Elven wine to get Legolas drunk with so you can woo him, a 'Teach yourself Parseltongue' cassette, a Pirate-lingo dictionary, a copy of 'Cerebro for Dummies', love potion to drug Draco Malfoy with, apples to throw through captain Barbossa, bananas with which to befriend the aforementioned's monkey – oh dear – "

There in the trunk lay several beautiful evening dresses and a leather X-Suit.

Martha slowly bent down and casting to one side a green pom-pom and "GO SLYTHERIN!" banner, picked up one of the more lovely dresses. The purple and silver material shimmered in Martha's hands.

"That'll be one of the Lord of the Rings ones," Magneto said softly.

Martha's eyes shone with unshed tears as she fingered the beautiful fabric.

"But these are all US size 6.  I – I can't wear any of them…"

"Most Mary-Sues tend to be a size 6, I'm afraid,"  he said awkwardly.

A tear slid down her cheek and her voice had dwindled to a whisper.  "But I am not.  I am much too big…"

Magneto kicked the trunk back under the bed.  "Come on, lets go outside and laugh at Gambit,"  His hand came to rest upon Martha's large bottom, to which he had grown rather attached of late.

*************************************************

A/N: Paternity – A tribute to the sheer number of fanfics involving the long-lost daughters of Wolverine and Elrond Halfelven.

Reviewers will be rewarded with a slice of Digitally programmed Matrix RUM.


	6. Barbossa's request

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed.  

Painty Pants – Glad you liked it!

May Black – I don't really understand why you say I don't know enough about these characters.  I have read all the HP and LOTR books and watched all films several times.  I don't know the X-Men comics, but the X-lot are film only.  As this is a parody, characters do not behave 100% in character, although they do retain their basic attributes.  Please tell me where exactly I have gone wrong, and give examples.

The juiciest bits of 'Potterage' are to be found towards the end of this chapter.

**NOTE:** Please do not be offended by Gandalf's shocking behaviour in this chapter.  Please understand that this is my reaction to the way in which he was portrayed in the ROTK film – a portrayal that I am 100% against.

***************************************

Chapter 6 – Barbossa's Request.

Magneto leaned back against the bow of the Black Pearl and laughed heartily.

Snape and Lucius, sensing another opportunity for mischief-making, waited until the object of Magneto's mirth had disappeared round the corner, and strode towards him.

"What on _Earth_ has happened to Gambit?"

"You mean you don't know?" Lucius said slyly.

After a pause, Snape continued.  "Apparently, so the rumours that have been flying around this ship tell me, Mr Lebeau got himself in trouble over a game of cards…"

"Typical!"  hissed Magneto. "Why do so many fanfic writers think I would admit that moron into my Brotherhood?"

"Anyway, he bit off more than he could chew when he took on Cap'n Jack Sparrow…" purred Lucius.  "Cap'n Jack had lured Mary-Sue into his cabin for a late night game of Poker.  Of course being a Pirate, Cap'n Jack cheated, and the forfeit for the loser was to drink a large shot of Rum each time she lost a hand."

"Oh good God, he didn't give her bloody _Rum, did he?"  _

"Needless to say, Mary-Sue was somewhat inebriated, and Cap'n Jack was about to go in for the kill, when _Gumbo showed up.  He challenged the Pirate to a game, and our dear Mary-Sue was the prize.  Gambit charged the cards with his mutant kinetic energy, they exploded in Jack's face, and the thief took the prize as the Cap'n was incapacitated.  As you can imagine, Cap'n Jack was not best pleased.  So in the early hours of this morning he sneaked up behind Gambit and threw him overboard.  And that, Magneto, explains why all his colours have run and his eyes have slipped below his mouth and he appears to be wearing pink tights.   Magneto? _Magneto?__

Oh dear.  He left before we could mention that fact that Mary-Sue had passed out by the time Gambit came to claim his bounty."

"Or the improbability of the artist having illustrated for Mr Lebeau certain, anatomy…"  added Snape.

*

From his position on top of the main mast Legolas' eyes were strained far into the distance.

"Elf!  What are you doin' up there?"

Legolas looked down to see Cap'n Jack stood at the foot of the mast with his hands on his hips.  They were drawing quite a crowd.

"I'm keeping an eye out for Orc-fish!"

There was a pause.  "Orc-fish."  Jack cocked his head on one side.

"Yes!  The Dark Lord has crossed goblins with clown-fish, and unleashed his terror upon the Caribbean waters!"

Cap'n Jack nudged his First Mate.  "Will, why is your brother so paranoid about ORCS?"

"We must sail closer to the Eastern shore: we are in danger of encroaching into Finding Nemo territory."

"People have written fanfic about Finding Nemo?" Martha squeaked incredulously.

"Apparently there is a quite muscular Australian dentist at one point," answered Magneto dryly.

"But it's a cartoon!  How can people be romantically attracted to a _drawing?"_

The question hung in the air and several pairs of eyes – including Magneto's – turned to glare at Gambit.

*

Legolas' behaviour grew continuously stranger throughout the day.  Frodo Baggins was aghast to see him sitting with his feet up on a table, smoking a cigarette in one hand and picking his nose with the other.  Legolas saw the Hobbit out of the corner of his eye, and let off a terrific belch.  It was one of those that rumbled up from the pit of his stomach and echoed round the ship, causing the ground to tremble beneath Frodo's feet.

Aragorn appeared behind him.  "Don't mind Legolas, he's just being Out Of Character.  It happens to us all in these fanfics.  He'll be back to normal soon."

"Even Gandalf's at it!" Frodo exclaimed, pointing.  "Look – he's beating up that poor Denethor with his staff."

"No, no, that really _is _Gandalf. His psychotic violence is a little-known facet of his personality that has laid hidden in the years since the publication of the book and only revealed in the final film.

Oh.  Boromir is back again."

And there was the heir to the Stewardship of Gondor, striding forward to the aid of his father, the blasts from his Horn even louder and more terrifying than Legolas' burp.  Frodo's enormous blue eyes widened even further as Gandalf reached into his robes and pulled out an automatic machine gun and opened fire on Boromir.  Boromir fell overboard, but Gandalf carried on shooting with a manic grin on his face, jumping up and down for good measure.

"Oh my God, he killed Boromir!" cried Pippin.

"You Bastard!"  finished Merry.

*

That evening Martha and Magneto were strolling on deck, when Captain Barbossa sneaked up behind them.

"I request that Princess Mary-Sue dine with me tonight.  Naked."

Martha shrieked and burrowed into Magneto's chest.

"I think the princess is disinclined to acquiesce to the 'naked' clause in your request."  Magneto stated coldly.

"If I want to see the Lady of the Caribbean naked, then I shall.  And there's nothing you can do or say to stop me.  Savvy?"

Magneto smirked.  "Barbossa, you do realise this is a PG-13 fanfic, _Savvy?_"

Barbossa blinked.  "Well in that case, she can wear Elizabeth's dress."

*

It took two crew members to extract Martha (achieved by using their skeletal hands as crowbars to prise all four of Martha's limbs from around Magneto), and a further six to force Barbossa's monkey into a plastic bib.  However at 8 o clock on the dot, the half Elven half American high school chick mutant pure-blood witch and the Pirate were sat at opposite ends of a huge wooden table laden with rich food.

"Sausage?" Barbossa was leaning over, waggling a Bratwurst under her nose. "G'arn, eat yer fill – What was that?"

Out of the corner of her eye Martha saw a blonde head duck down below the window.  Barbossa kicked the door open and found three little boys in Hogwarts uniform, who, due to only hearing the first part of the earlier conversation, had let their curiosity overcome their fear of detention.  Barbossa cracked his knuckles.  "Arr, yev broken the Pirate's Code comin' 'ere tonight laddies!"

"Ha!  We live by the Gryffindor Code!"  cried Harry, and waggled his fingers in his ears to demonstrate.

"And I live by the Slytherin Code!" said Draco, and he cocked his leg and let off a long, tuneful fart.  The outraged Barbossa threw an apple after him, but he ducked and it hit Ron Weasley square on the nose.

Martha regretted having let the Hobbits talk her into sharing Afternoon Tea with them.  The ship was lurching from side to side and the stench of standard Pirate fare was making her feel sick.

"Beef Jerky, S'mores, Gummie Bears…? Yer know, yeh remind me of  me ex missus.  Or was it me daughter?  No, mebbe it were that harlot from Tortuga…" 

"Your daughter, was she very naughty?"  Martha breathed.

Barbossa stroked his chin thoughtfully.  "Aye… she certainly was…"

"Oh yippee!"  Martha squealed.  She swept a platter of Twinkies onto the floor and dived head first onto the table, landing spread-eagled in front of Barbossa.

*

The next morning, Magneto could tell just by looking at her. 

_Bloody Pirates…_

*******************************************************************

A/N: Out Of Character – At times I have been accused of not getting characterisation right.  You want to see characters behaving Out Of Character?  I'll give it you!

Gandalf – an exaggerated version of **film Gandalf.  My virtual Fart in Peter Jackson's face.**

Standard Pirate fare – various American snack foods that appear in fanfiction.

More Barbossa, Denethor and Gambit to follow.

If you don't review, Magneto will spank your bottom.


	7. Purple Underpants

A/N: No Fuss Primrose: Eek!  You scared me for a moment!  I'm glad you liked it.  You are right that this story is not easy to follow.  It is one of those stories that you get more and more out of each time you read it.  I am aware that not everyone will get every joke.  A reader may not understand a particular joke, or it just may not appeal to them.  That is why I pack it full of jokes.  That does make it less easy to follow, I'll admit.  

Chibikat1: You are not a confused, sorry person.  I understand what you are saying.  I think it takes an awful lot of skill to get the speech patterns and language traits of characters spot on, and I just don't have such a skill.  My talents are more in dry sarcastic humour.  Often characters end up sounding like me.  Or an amalgam of the canon and their actors.  I have a brother is indeed from Robin Hood, and the Sheriff is indeed called George.  Glad you like the Gandalf/Magneto/Ian McKellen stuff.  I am particularly proud of that.  If Martha is annoying you, I advise you to look for the hints that Martha is not an ordinary Sue.  Towards the end of the fic there will be quite a serious section explaining the psychological impact of Sue-ing on a non-Sue character such as Martha, and the differences between Martha and Sues will be spelled out.

Painty Pants: Thanks for the compliment ;)

*

I am beginning to lack Harry Potter ideas, so any suggestions will be welcome.  If I don't use yours don't feel bad, it's just that I am unable to think of an amusing and clever way to incorporate it.

This chapter is largely my exasperated rebellion against the legions of X-Men fans who berate me for not writing Magneto like his comic counterpart.  _DUH_ – it says 'X-Men the _Movie'_ on the forum I post my fanfiction in!  Besides, when I write, Magneto is _mine._  All _mine_...

Uh, this chapter is a bit random.  The second half is better.  I hope you like it.

*****************************************

Chapter 7 – Magneto's Purple Underpants.

Whereas evil Pirates avoided moonlight, and the Slytherin elite ran from Pink Fluffy Bunnies, what Eric Lehnsherr, Master of Magnetism, feared above all else was Purple Underpants.  

Purple Underpants haunted Magneto's dreams.  They would grow little legs and prance around him in circles chanting fell songs in their wicked voices.  He would wake up screaming, but then his Martha would come running, concern etched on her plain face, and she'd inevitably trip up over something and make him laugh.  Martha was here now, with a sizeable bump on her forehead after having tripped up over Barbossa's monkey on the way in.  Magneto was curled up in the foetal position – but this was more due to Martha having accidentally kneed him in the groin as she clambered over him. She was now on bent over him tenderly stroking his hair.

"Don't worry darling, they'll never get an eminent and respected actor such as Ian McKellen to wear purple spandex on camera."

"But what if they force him?" he babbled.  "Or they re-cast?  I've been hearing dreadful rumours on the internet that he may not wish to come back!"

A frown briefly crossed Martha's face. "You know Magneto, you really ought to start pulling yourself together, or else it'll have to be _me_ who'll be spanking _your_ bottom."  She kissed him on the forehead and left.

*

As Martha wandered along the deck looking for amusement, she noticed an unusual object floating past.  A closer look revealed it to be a teddy bear's head.  She gaped as it was followed by a severed limb and bits of stuffing bobbing on top of the water like scum.  She followed the trail of mutilated bear parts until she came to the source.  Which appeared to be Draco Malfoy and Legolas the Elf, the latter fitting an arrow to his bow and the former loading the ship's canon with what looked liked stuffed toys.  Draco seized one of the teddy bears from the pile and forced it head first into the gun.

He lit the fuse.

_Poomp__!_

_Pffft__!_

Legolas loosed his bow and an arrow whizzed through the air and struck the bear in the middle of its chest.

"Target practice...  There was a red dawn this morning: Orc-fish are about."

Martha screwed up her face.  "_What_?"

Draco unthinkingly smoothed back his gel-caked blond hair.  "These aren't mine.  They are Potter's."

Legolas picked up the nearest bear and read the note attatched. "'To my darling cute adorable Draco, Be my Valentine – _Hermione'_..." He stuck his fingers down his throat and made vomiting sounds.

"'To Daddy's little soldier – '"  

Draco, red in the face, snatched the toy from the Elf and crammed it into the canon.  He stamped his foot. "It's those fanfic writers!  They bombard me with stuffed bears, _pink_ ones, with _hearts_ on, they say they're from the Weasley girl, from my mother – I even got one from POTTER!"  

Suddenly, his face changed.  He picked up a bear.  "Mary-Sue," he lisped, "Would you like me to give you a teddy bear?"

"No!  It's _my_ teddy bear, and _I_ want to give it to Mary-Sue!" Legolas whined, attempting to wrestle the toy from his rival.  They fell backwards onto the pile of stuffed toys, Draco pulling Legolas' hair and Legolas kicking and slapping Draco.

Martha groaned.  _Not again_... 

*

Martha was bored.  Bored, bored, bored.  She'd left Legolas and Draco at the point where the Elf was trying to force a stuffed yellow duck down Draco's throat.  She'd then tried to chat to Wolverine over by the stern, but he was too busy being sick to answer.  Fred and George were in detention still serving back to back sentences saved up from last week.  Cyclops and Aragorn were engrossed in a game of Risk and Frodo Baggins only seemed interested in communing with his Ring.

It was then Martha noticed the Lord Denethor, sitting on his own looking mournfully out to sea, fingering the cloven Horn of Gondor which he held between his hands.  Martha's breath caught in her throat and her heart filled with pity.  She stood mesmerised by his large hands caressing the Horn.  Denethor felt her gaze upon him and as he turned to look at her their eyes met and something passed between them...  

*

Martha could not sleep.  The sea was rough that night; Wolverine would be vomiting bad.  As the boat lurched from side to side, Martha's thoughts raced.  The rumour of an X-Men 3 being filmed in the absence of Sir Ian McKellen had affected her more than she dared admit, and she was tortured by the most disturbing thoughts of the regal yet tragic Lord Denethor...

The night grew deeper.  Martha heard Captains Jack and Barbossa arguing in the next room about the latter's perfidious monkey.  Snatches of the conversation seeped through the walls.

"Arrg!"... "Avast!"... "Rrraaarrg!"... "Apples!"... "Monkey!"... "Ag!"... "YEAAAARRRG!" – 

"No!  Underpants!"

That was Magneto.

Martha shot out of bed and streaked down the corridor, squeaking in her desperation to reach him in as little time as possible.  Next thing she knew, she was lying face down across the threshold of Magneto's cabin.

She had tripped over Barbossa's.  Bloody.  Monkey.  _Again_.

*

It had all been going fine until Barbossa's evil pet had attempted to suffocate him with a pair of purple pants.  By the time Magneto had managed to free himself and use the elasticated knickers to catapult the creature through his window, Martha had disappeared.  He was eventually beginning to drift off to sleep, when he heard, coming from the direction of Denethor's quarters, a loud bellow, followed by a high pitched giggle, and the unmistakeable sound of a Palantir hitting the floor.

Magneto was so furious that his heightened magnetism caused the air around him to crackle.  He left his bed and prowled the deck searching for Wolverine.  He planned to relieve some of his aggression by manipulating the adamantium on his skeleton and forcing him into unnatural contortions. As he paced the ship he was vaguely aware that Cap'n Jack  had made use of Draco Malfoy's teddy bears by tying them to the hull to serve as ballasts.  A giant Winnie the Pooh provided the figurehead at the prow.  Magneto stopped there and contemplated the fat bear, debating with himself over whether Pooh was bigger or smaller than a Hobbit.

Dawn was just breaking when he apprehended Martha sneaking back to her cabin.  She was covered in bits of food. There was meat juice all down her shirt and tomato seeds in her hair.  

Magneto extracted a grape stalk from behind her ear. "Where have you been?" he asked softly.

Martha floundered. "I – er – was having  a midnight feast with the Hobbits-" 

"Those same halflings that have been flat out in the galley since _eight o clock yesterday evening_ sleeping off a gluttonous Supper of rabbit stew?" he enquired.

Martha fled into her cabin under his vengeful glare.

*

After his fierce inner rage had subsided a little, Magneto had a sudden flash of inspiration.  He stole down to the galley and glided over to where the Hobbits still lay snoring.  He located Samwise Gamgee's backpack and reached inside...

********************************

A/N: Hmmm...  I wonder what seemingly useless artefact of Sam's could be of so much interest to Magneto?  And what do you think he plans to do with it?

Purple Underpants – The comic / cartoon Magneto can be identified by the purple underpants worn over red tights.  You know – some die-hard comic fans have criticised Singer for not keeping the original costumes! *Meep*

Rumours –Indeed, if you check on IMDb a certain actor is missing from the 'confirmed' cast list of X3. *Gollum voice* Not listening!

Teddy bears – If I had a pound for every soft toy either Draco or Lucius Malfoy received  in an HP fanfic I'd be typing this on a computer in the Bahamas!

_Poomp_ – on the 'Mario Kart' game _Poomp_ is the word which appears on the screen to denote the sound made by a kart when it makes a landing.  It has a certain ring to it.

Palantir – Those who have read the books will be aware that Denethor also owns one of the seeing stones as was seen in Saruman's tower.

Food – although not in the book, this revolting yet fascinating scene sticks in the mind of ROTK filmgoers across the globe.

Gambit and Gandalf feature next.

Oops nearly forgot!  This chapter's reward for reviewing includes a candle-lit dinner with Cap'n Jack.  A crate of rum will be thrown in for anyone who guesses the correct artefact to be 'borrowed' from Sam's backpack.


	8. Owl Post

A/N: So sorry for the delay! I have been sooo busy! Anyway, I have an extra long chapter for you to make up for it.

Chibikat, your date with Cap'n Jack is set for Friday night at 7:45. May 65, Saturday, same time;)

One last note, please trust me with Gandalf...

*********************************************************

Chapter 8: Martha's got a Fat Bum

The cast and crew of the Black Pearl had spent the last four weeks doing virtually nothing, save watching out for orc-fish, plugging holes in the ship with stray teddy bears and such-like.  Slowly, life began to creep back into them as the Author Jeanne switched on her computer, and Samwise Gamgee suddenly noticed something was missing from his bag.  He was trembling on the verge of tears. 

"My rope!"  he blubbered "My beautiful elven rope!  I've lost it!  If my old Gaffer ever found out, he'd say-"

"Never mind your old Gaffer you blithering half-wit, some miserable little toe-rag has stolen my cane!" Lucius Malfoy hissed angrily.

"That's not all," said the Elf-lord Elrond. "My digitally programmed cake that my brother had sent me has been taken from my room."  

Cap'n Jack hopped round the deck in a fury, his dreadlocks flying "My rum's gone! My rum's gone!  _Why_ has all the rum gone?"

"We do have one known thief on board," Cyclops' clipped tones cut through the commotion. 

"Gambit."

All eyes turned to Remy Lebeau.

"Yeah, we don't exactly know yer very well, _bub,_"  Wolverine had stopped puking for long enough to launch this accusation.

Gambit spread his palms out wide.  "Hey no fair! Remy aint done nothin', Gambit be _innocent_."

"Quiet please." Cyclops strode importantly into the centre.  "I motion we search the renegade's room," he stated pompously.

"Yeah!" roared Wolverine, agreeing with Cyclops just this once as it meant annoying Gambit.

Just then a flock of owls descended upon them in a mass of flapping wings and hooting.  Each one carried a letter in its beak.  Their leader, a large snowy owl called Hedwig, dropped an important looking letter at Albus Dumbledore's feet and settled on top of Cyclops' head.  The others also flocked to Cyclops, beating their wings in his face as they jostled for position on his shoulders. Scott Summers was furious. 

Dumbledore opened his letter and began to read it out loud.  

"It's from Jeanne.

"_Dear Fanfiction Characters and Readers,_

_I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for the delay in bringing you this next installment.  This was due to the two principle characters being temporarily unavailable.  However I am happy to say that I have now located Martha and Magneto, along with Sam Gamgee's elven rope, Mr Malfoy's cane, several empty rum bottles, the remains of a digital  dessert, six empty tubs of chocolate ice cream and the One Ring.  Normal service will resume once the couple have fully recovered_."

Needless to say, this did not please the assembled cast.

Cyclops spit out a mouthful of feathers. "You mean to say we've been hanging round on this ship kicking our heels for the past month-"

"My beautiful elven rope, smothered in ice cream!"

"But why's the _rum_ gone?!"

"My Precioussss, covered in nassssty chocolate- _Gollum_!"

"See, I told y'all, Remy was innocent!  Nobody trusts poor Remy-"

"Precious hatessss chocolate!"

"WILL SOMEBODY GET THESE DAMN BIRDS OF ME!"

*

It was another two days before Martha emerged, bleary eyed, from Magneto's cabin, ice cream and rum congealed in her hair, and she was surprised to see a great many letters from her feminine rivals back at Hogwarts library.

_Yo Mary-Sue! You are so cool man, just like Avril Lavigne!  C Ya l8r homegal!  Storm._

_Dearest Mary-Sue, may I borrow some of your beautiful clothes?  Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty please with cherries on top?  All my love, Arwen._

_Mary-Sue, You're like - the best!   Can I have your autograph? Luv Rogue _

_Mary-Sue, can I be your best friend?  We can bake cookies together and you can play with my dolls.  From Hermione Granger._

Martha was most puzzled.  There was no way Arwen could wear her clothes (her butt was at least twice as big as that of the Elf-princess), she couldn't even make a cup of tea, let alone bake biscuits, and – _who was Avril Lavigne_?!

*

Martha, still to exhausted to walk unaided, was lying with her head in Magneto's lap as he popped grapes into her mouth one by one.

The atmosphere of peace and relaxation was shattered by the arrival of Gambit, singing loudly and tunelessly the lyrics to popular rock band Queen.

"Fat bottomed girls, they make the rockin' world go round!" he danced on the balls of his feet, pointing his fingers at Martha in time with the tune.  Martha was horrified.

"Hey big woman, you made a bad boy outta Remy-"

Martha arched her back, thrust her head forward and – _phtoo! _– sent a grape seed speeding towards Gambit's face.  Still, he was undeterred. "Fat bottomed girls, yeah yeah yeah, fat bottom-" Magneto had removed his hand from under the fat bottom in question, raised it and unleashed his power. Gambit was lifted up into the air, dangling by his steel boots, and he landed in the deep blue ocean with a satisfying _Splash_.

*

That evening, Martha was sat on deck enduring yet another love poem by Will Turner, when her attention was caught by Gandalf dragging a pair of protesting twin boys by the ears, and booting two small Hobbits along in front.  Gandalf brandished a yellow post-it note with the words 'Kick Me' scrawled on it.

"Which fool of a Took, Brandybuck or Weasley thought it would be funny to stick this on my back?"

Martha saw her chance and seized it. "It was _meeeee_!" She cried, knocking Will over as she jumped up and waved her arms in the air.

She was unable to suppress a squeak of excitement as Gandalf tilted his head to one side and regarded her with his piercing eyes.  She quivered in anticipation as he advanced slowly towards her.  She nearly swooned as he put both his hands on her shoulders and spun her around.  He began frogmarching her down the deck.

_Aww.  He's not gonna do it up here  in full view of the Hobbits.  Damn._

Martha's breath came in quick gasps as Gandalf lead her down into the bowels of the ship.  She could feel his beard tickling the back of her neck.

_Oh my gosh!  Where's he taking me?  What wonderful surprises does he have in store for me?  Why didn't I think of this before?_

The wizard opened a door to reveal the ship's galley.

_The galley... Could be interesting..._

Gandalf's eyes ran over Martha's trembling body, her parted lips, her dilated pupils, and he said:

"Princess Mary-Sue, the nature of punishment on board the Black Pearl has changed.  Your discipline has worsened considerably of late, and the current method seems to have had no effect on you whatsoever.  In fact, if I didn't find it so ridiculous, I'd say it was making your behaviour even worse.  So I am trying out a new measure.  See that pile of dirty dishes over there?  I want those to be washed and put away before First Breakfast, which will be served at five thirty am."

Martha was visibly deflated.  There was a veritable mountain of washing up, including the remnants of the Hobbit's meals right from First Breakfast through Supper.  She could have cast herself onto the ground and wept.  Instead she threw the dishcloth at Gandalf.  It missed by a mile, and the wizard departed, saying: "I was going to assign this task to young Master Took, but seeing as it was you rather than he who has blotted their copybook, Miss Page..."

*

Others up on deck who had a rather more rosy view of our Martha, saw the situation quite differently.

"Isn't Mary-Sue so wonderful for selflessly taking the blame for us!" gushed Fred

"I can't believe I am falling for a Slytherin," agreed George.

"Only about the fifth this term!" snorted Fred.

"I'm not as bad as Harry – he snogged at least fifteen before the Sorting Ceremony!"

"Mary-Sue has _such_ a fantastic pair of-"

"-Who stuck that note on Gandalf's back anyway?" Merry asked, cutting the other Hobbit off.

Pippin smiled in his engaging Scottish way and answered in his engaging Scottish accent: "It was me."

A few feet away stood Will Turner.  He did not deign to participate in this communal drooling.  Instead he squinted earnestly out across the ocean, took a deep breath and sighed "Mary... Sue..."  he surreptitiously undid another button on his shirt to enhance the pathos of this little scene.

*

"Brother, why do you persist in taking this line of discipline? It does no good whatsoever, and furthermore, Mary-Sue's bottom has expanded _considerably_ in size since Chapter 7. You can no longer hide behind excuses of Barbossa's twinkies or Denethor's chicken, that was over a month ago."

Magneto hid a smile from his brother. "Martha is rather erm, partial, to chocolate ice cream. However, the reasons behind my methods are two-fold. I have heard such things can disperse the cellulite, and, with perseverance, even _reduce_ the size of a bottom." He again turned his head to hide the lustful smirk that was stealing across his face.

"Magneto, I fear that may be having the opposite effect.  _And well you know it_..." Gandalf whispered.

******************************************************

A/N: Can you believe it! Martha is still two-timing! But your faith in me was rewarded, I'd _never_ let that happen to Gandalf.

Reviewers get dinner with all four cute hobbits, non-reviewers get to eat with... _Denethor_...


	9. A Trojan Horse

A/N: SO sorry for the delay! I started a new job and have been involved in 2 theatrical productions since my last post, so I hope you can forgive me!

WARNING: This chapter and subsequent ones contain spoilers for Van Helsing. There are absolutely no Troy spoilers though, as I haven't even seen it yet myself!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Chapter 9: A Trojan Horse

Magneto, Gandalf and Dumbledore, the three discoverers of the Mary-Sue Prophecy, were each one gazing intently out to sea. There in the distance, shimmering in the midday heat, was a Trojan longboat.

Gandalf leaned heavily on his staff.  "It's Summer blockbuster season, which can mean only one thing..."

Dumbledore squinted against the glare of the sun. "Ah! I see my new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher has arrived." 

All three then gasped suddenly and averted their eyes as the ship bore left and a naked Brad Pitt sailed into view.

Catching sight of his companion, Gandalf groaned "Not another one, the Bloom clan breed like rabbits."

Magneto had been staring at a mysterious looking gentleman dressed in black, and as the ship drew closer he could descry the face that had been partially obscured under a wide-brimmed hat. He laughed harshly. "Yet another offspring of the Jackman family afflicted by amnesia and a propensity to transform into a wolf. I say this typecasting is caused by too much inbreeding, the McKellen linage is of _far_ nobler bloodstock-"

"Apart from your good brother Gandalf here, your family have all turned out to be total gits!" Dumbledore bit back.

"I'd strongly advise against tangling with a family as ancient and revered as the clan of McKellen, _Dumbletwit__-_" Magneto's haughty reply turned into a strangulated choke and the colour drained out of the mutant's face.  His shaking hands flew to his throat and his eyes were riveted on the longboat, which was now sailing very close to the Black Pearl. For standing proudly and majestically on the prow, his hair perfectly styled around his cold regal face and his lean muscular body ready for action, was - due to the death of his three wives and potential girlfriend - a now intensely sexually frustrated,

Count Vladislaus Dracula.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dumbletwit – the name by which Sir Ian McKellen referred to the character of Dumbledore in a magazine interview, whilst reflecting upon Richard Harris' desire to portray Gandalf in the film version of LOTR.

Although this chapter is short, another lengthier chapter will be on its way shortly.  And yes, Faramir's little brother Carl will of course be making  appearance...

Reviewers will be rewarded with their patience and given the chance to have a go with Van Helsing's crossbow.


	10. Party Time in Rivendell

A/N:OK, I'm back, after having _finally_ got round to seeing Troy and Harry Potter 3 at the cinema. 

Chapter 10: Party Time in Rivendell

Magneto had succeeded in scaring Cap'n Jack and his crew into swapping the highs seas for land with tales of vampires, werewolves and the nakedness of Brad Pitt.  The Black Pearl dropped anchor on the outskirts of Rivendell as the sun was setting.  Wolverine was glad to be on dry land, and Martha was planning to persuade Magneto to tie her blindfolded to one of the Ents outside at bedtime.

Lord Elrond, as the benevolent host, had supplied the characters with plenty of Elven Wine, and everyone was relaxing in front of the television, when there was an almighty pounding on the door.  As Elrond was nowhere to be found, Gandalf ventured to open it in his absence.  Crowded on the doorstep was Achilles (thankfully wearing clothes) and the entire Greek army, bearing six-packs of beer and boxes of pizza.  Ignoring Gandalf's protests, they all piled into the living room, Achilles commandeering the remote control and jacking up the volume.  He grabbed Harry Potter by his collar and turfed him unceremoniously out of an armchair and sat in his place, putting his muddy feet up on Elrond's coffee table.  The Greeks followed suit, dumping people out of their seats and swiping bottles of wine onto the floor and replacing them with cans of beer and half-eaten slices of pizza.

"What are you doing?!" exclaimed Gandalf.

"Watchin' the Game, havin'a Bud," replied Achilles, cracking open a can of Budweiser.

Hearing Gandalf's "Ooohhh...!" of horror, Martha explained:

"Soccer.  European Championship final.  Greece versus Portugal." 

Achilles was already thumping the arm of the chair and bellowing.

In all this commotion, nobody noticed Count Dracula sneaking in on the tail end of the Greek football fans.  Shoving aside one of the Hobbits Dracula squeezed himself onto a sofa, and grabbing Martha as she stumbled past, manoeuvred her onto the floor in front of him.  He pulled her back between his legs and began slowly caressing her neck.  Dracula noticed Magneto shooting him murderous looks, and he merely smirked lavisciously in reply.

Frustrated at a still goalless match, the Greeks grew even more raucous during the second half, and their beer-fuelled chanting rendered conversation impossible.  With still no sign of Elrond (or Professor McGonagall for that matter), people began to feel uncomfortable and began to shuffle out of the room.  Magneto had decided it was time to leave.  He marched across the room - using his magnetism to shield himself from beer cans hurled by the Greeks as he walked in front of the TV -  and hauled Martha up by her wrist.  She followed him compliantly. Just before rounding the corner she turned and winked at Dracula, raising an unopened bottle of Elven Wine she had hidden behind her back.

You see, naive and ignorant as Martha is, she was blissfully unaware of the dangers associated with vampires, and forgetting her idea about the Ents, she had agreed to meet the charming aristocrat – just as soon as Magneto passed out in a drunken stupor...

Magneto awoke with a blinding headache, and the thunderous booming and _Hoom_ing that was echoing all around him did nothing to help.  He was dismayed to find himself tied to what felt like a tree, with the huge yellow eyes of an Ent looking down at him.

The Ent blinked.  "It appears... you have been somewhat... _Hoom..._ duped..." It said.

Magneto struggled to free himself, cursing Elven Rope, Elven Wine, anything else made by Elves, Ents, and above all _vampires_.

Magneto arrived outside Martha's room just in time to see Dracula stepping out.  His jaw dropped in horror as the vampire's face expanded into an unnaturally broad smirk.  Just as Dracula passed him, he bared his fangs and licked them slowly, as a cat would preen its whiskers after having enjoyed a particularly succulent piece of meat.

With a speed born of fury, Magneto roamed the halls of Rivendell searching for his brother.  He found him in the TV room with Elrond and McGonagall, the latter wearing a tartan dressing gown matching hairnet.  The room looked like an explosion in a pizza factory.  Elrond was stood in a sea of beer cans, bellowing and gesticulating in a most un-Elvish way.

"Unfortunately you can't hunt Achilles down and fill him full of arrows, Lord Elrond," Gandalf was saying,  "because he has gone with his army to Portugal to gloat over Greece's 1-0 victory. Apparently they plan to enter the Portugese capital concealed in a gigantic football mascot-"

"Brother, a word.  Now."  Magneto dragged the wizard outside, failing to notice that he'd trodden in a slice of pepperoni pizza on the way.

Far from being sympathetic, Gandalf lectured him on the intoxicating effects of Elvish Wine, whilst muffling his laughter in his beard.

"You know Gandalf, that Ent over there bears a striking resemblance to you." Magneto said irritably.

"In that case _Brother_, it would bear your likeness too." Gandalf snapped.

"I will drive a stake through that vampire's heart. I will screw a metal spike through it and launch it at his body with all my power-"

"Have you not watched _Van Helsing_?" Gandalf enquired.

Silence.

"Don't tell me you never even bother to research the films your enemies have starred in?

I suggest you spend an evening down at the local cinema, Magneto.  You might learn a few things..."

The Hobbits and the Gryffindors were planning a trip to the local nightclub.

"I've heard it's great – they have Avril Lavigne playing on continuous loop!" Draco Malfoy was enthusing.

"But what if they can tell we're underage?" worried Harry Potter.

"Don't worry," laughed Fred Weasley.  "This is fanfiction.  Of course we'll get in, as long as we invite Mary Sue.  Besides, the place is owned by Dracula's brother, the Duke."

The last sentence was drowned out as the boys broke into an argument over who got to ask Mary Sue to the nightclub on a date.  Their departure was delayed therefore, as a mini version of the Triwizard Tournament was played out to decide who got to pop the question.  It was Harry Potter who won of course, because true to the books, he was the best at everything. (Except for Mary Sue, who wasn't playing.)

Harry knocked tentatively at Martha's door, and squeaked as she flung it open.

"M – m – Mary S-Sue, would you erm, like to, erm, err squeak-" 

Martha sighed impatiently and shifted her weight on to her other foot.

"er... go to the erm, Yule Ball – I mean – the erm-"

Martha yawned.

"the er squeak nightclub – with er-"

"Yeah whatever.  Magneto's bogged off to the cinema and won't let me come, so yeah, whatever."

Squeak

"There a mouse in here? ...Whatever."

Martha grabbed her bag and flounced out of the door, knocking Harry over.

They all piled into the twins' car – a beat up old Ford Anglia, of course – and drove down to the _Moulin Rouge_.  Martha breezed past the bouncers with the Weasleys and Draco in tow.  Harry had chickened out at the last minute and brought his Invisibility Cloak.

"Hey, where's Merry and Pippin?  And Frodo and Sam?" Harry asked.

"They didn't get in." snickered George. "Unsuitable footwear..."

"How come Draco's out with us guys, anyway?" Ron piped up suddenly. "Since when did we become friends?"

Harry squirmed. "Uh, actually we're gay lovers.  Or at least we would be, if we both weren't in love with Mary Sue..." He pondered for a while. "But Draco's knocking off your sister on the side, so Mary Sue ends up with me."

"Er, actually no, Potter.  I still get the highest percentage of OC Het-ships."

"Bloody Slytherins get away with murder..." Ron muttered.

_"It's that time of night again folks – kaaaaaraoke!  And first up (and second and third and fourth and fifth up) is... MAAAAARY SOOOOOO!!"_

Ronald Wealsey was in transportations of ecstasy.  Tears were rolling down his face and he was jumping up and down to the rhythm of Martha Page caterwauling to _I Will Survive._

"She has the voice of an angel," he sobbed. "A nightingale, a lark, a dove..."

"_I will surviiiiive! cough Ooooh as long as I know how to uh – love – I  know I'll stay aliiiiiieeeeeve!"_

Magneto staggered out of the cinema mopping sweat from his brow.  The only option for killing Dracula was a no-go: he refused to ask Wolverine or his idiot brother for help.  Moreover, he had just discovered something even more horrifying...

He spotted Albus Dumbledore over by the popcorn machine and hurried over to him.  The wizard was going to watch himself in _Prisoner of Azkaban_ for the tenth time, but Magneto wasn't interested in his blitherings about how the new actor playing him was even better looking than the original and abruptly cut him off.

"If Marth – I mean – _Mary Sue – _ is at Hogwarts in the same class as Harry Potter, that would make her approximately thirteen years of age according to _Prisoner_, would it not?"

"Er yes, in the Potter universe, that theory would stand, yes..."

Magneto drew himself up imperiously. "Dumbledore, arrange for Mary Sue a trip to the..._Dentist..._"

A/N:  Denitst???  What do you think that's all about then, eh?

"watching the game, having a Bud..." – Hands up who remembers the 'WASSAAAAP!!' Budweiser adverts – anyone?  Or were they just aired in the UK...?

Soccer / football - Greece played Portugal in the European Championship finals and won 1-0.

The Duke – Character played by Richard Roxburgh (Dracula in _Van Helsing_) who owned the _Moulin Rouge_ nightclub.

Wolverine & idiot brother – according to _Van Helsing_, Dracula can only be killed by a werewolf.  Hugh Jackman's character in VH became a werewolf and did just that.

Reviewers get to hide Brad Pitt's clothes and watch him run round naked. (Or you could just watch _Troy..._)


End file.
